Mission: Umpossible
by Steve Gower
Summary: Rated PG for mentioning a dead fish(Sarcasm, for the unenlightened). An X-Files twist on everybody's favourite TV show, Mission: Impossible! Well it's mainly making fun of the movies...but everyone loves M:I! Love it!


Mission: Unpossible  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
By The Nicotine Gum Chewing Man(Steve Gower)  
  
Comments: See this fic and others like it on Mulder and Scully's Bogus  
Journey(http://msbogus.gq.nu)!  
  
~~  
  
After Agent Fox Mulder left the FBI, Agent Dana Scully felt a void in  
her life; she needed Mulder. She left the offices of the FBI in a huff,  
Agent John Doggett and Assistant Director Walter Skinner following like  
faithful puppie dogs.  
  
The four agents, along with their eccentric counterparts, the Lone Gunmen,  
have joined the IMF - Impossible Mission Force - and have been put together  
as a team. Watch as the spectacular seven foil dastardly plans that can  
only be constructed by the strangest villains, and only the villains that  
have horrid catch-phrases.  
  
* * *  
  
"Mulder, get out of there!" Langley said worriedly. He stared at his  
computer screen, freightened about what could happen. "He's gonna get  
himself killed!"  
  
"He'll be all right, Langley." Byers consoled. "He always is. Besides,  
what trouble will he get into at the library?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever. I still don't like it."  
  
"Just do your job and shut up," Frohike said.  
  
"All right, all right!" Langley typed away at his laptop. "Okay, we're in."  
Did you read that, Mulder?"  
  
"I heard, Langley." Mulder responded. "I still don't know why you needed  
me to take a book back to the library. I'm on vacation!"  
  
"I told you, it's overdue!" Byers responded. "We need you to take it back  
after we change the due date."  
  
"Ok, I've got it, I've got it!" Langley announced triumphantly. "The  
due date has been changed! Mulder, go in and return the book!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Good morning, Mr. Skinner." Walter Skinner watched the small video screen.  
"You're looking at FBI agent Monica Reyes. She is known for her infectuous  
smile, as well as for being an agent that smokes. She plans to ruin the X-Files  
forever. She is an expert at disappearing." Skinner put his finger on his  
cheek to make him look smart. "Your mission, Walter, should you choose to accept it,  
is to apprehend Monica Reyes and prevent her from ruining the X-Files.  
As always, should you or any other member of your IM force be caught or  
killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledged of your actions. This  
tape will self-destruct in sixty seconds. Good luck, Walter." Skinner  
ran away from the tape player, screaming like a little girl, when all that  
happened was that the tape started smoking.  
  
* * *  
  
"I believe you all know Agent Monica Reyes." Skinner told his team in  
the safehouse. "She has been assigned to the X-Files, about the time  
we left."  
  
"Okay, so what's our mission gotta do wit' her?" Doggett asked.  
  
"We have reason to believe she is attempting to ruin the X-Files with  
her smiles and siappearing acts." Skinner pointed to a screen that was  
projecting the ccomputer monitor. "She's currently on assignment here,  
in Cleveland."  
  
"What do we do?" Mulder asked.  
  
"We catch her using elaborate traps and devices. You know, like we always  
do."  
  
"But what do we do, exactly?"  
  
"Oh, well we go to Cleveland and follow Reyes to figure out her plan,  
then apprehend her."  
  
"Good plan!" Scully piped up.  
  
"Okay, team, let's go over our equpiment. Frohike?"  
  
"The three of us have laptops - each equipped with the latest surveillance  
and hackign technology." Frohike explained. "And, of course, Pacman."  
  
"Ooh, can I play?" Mulder asked.  
  
"No. Moving on, then...Each of you will have earpieces and mics - as  
well as a standard Mulder phone - works everywhere." Frohike motioned  
towards the items on the table. "Next, we have CSM-brand cigarettes.  
Light them up, and you've got a smoke screen for escape. Byers, you're up."  
  
"Thank-you, Frohike." Byers stood up. "In my hand is a banana, right?  
No. It's an explosive banana. Pull off the peel, throw, and you have  
five seconds until it blows up. And finally, we have these glasses; they  
double as video cameras, which play into your watches and our computers."  
  
"All right, thank-you Gunmen." Skinner stood again. "When we get to  
Cleveland, we'll set up a safehouse. I'll run everything from there, Gunmen,  
you'll be doing the fancy schmancy computer stuff in your van. Mulder, Scully,  
and Doggett, you'll get your instructions once we're there. Okay, let's go!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Agent Scully, your job is to put the tracking device on Reyes." Skinner  
told the agents. "She delivered your baby, she trusts you."  
  
"Hey, she trusts me, too." Doggett said. "Remember, I introduced 'er  
to you."  
  
"Yeah, but last I checked, she didn't deliver your baby."  
  
"Okay, what do I do, Skinner?" Scully asked.  
  
"Take this nearly-invisible tracking device, and place it on Reyes."  
Skinner showed her a rather large Ninja Turtles watch. "Our sources say  
she likes Raphael."  
  
"No problem." Scully took the watch from skinner. "I'll get right on  
it."  
  
"Good. Mulder, Doggett? Your jobs will be to bring me food."  
  
"Aww, again?" Mulder whined. "We ALWAYS have to bring you food!"  
  
"And you do such a good job at it, too!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Agent Reyes?" Scully asked.  
  
"Dana Scully!" Reyes beamed. "Mmmmm--"  
  
"Don't start with the whale song!" Scully took a box from her coat.  
"Anyway, I never thanked you...for delivering my baby. Here, take this."  
  
"Aww, thanks, Dana!" Reyes took the box and opened it. Her smile was so wide  
it wasn't funny. "Wow, a Ninja Turtles watch! And it's Raphael, too! How'd you  
know?"  
  
"Oh, I know a few people." Reyes' response to Scully was a blank stare that had  
a smile on it. "I asked John." Still, the stare. "Doggett."  
  
"Oh!" She blushed, smiled(arg!) more. "That sneaky Doggett. So what're you  
up to these days?"  
  
"Well, I-" Scully's pager went off. "Oh, shoot, it's Mulder. There must  
be an emergency, or he'd call me - you know his phone works everywhere."  
As Scully waved goodbye, she said quietly, "Thanks guys."  
  
"No problem. Good god, that chick's stupid." Langley said.  
  
"I'll walk down the block. Pick me up there." Scully instructed. "We'll  
head back to the safehouse then."  
  
* * *  
  
"Okay, here's the plan." Skinner explained. "Doggett, Mulder, you two will  
infiltrate Reyes' hotel room through air vents. The security measures  
will be tough to crack. Take the fish, you know what to do. Scully? Your  
job is to go with them and make sure they don't mess up. Gunmen, your job  
is to monitor, and I'll apprehend Reyes.  
  
"Should anything go wrong, I'll call abort. Walk away, meet back here  
at your liesure." Skinner sat back down, and they went off to prepare.  
  
"Okay, everyone, make sure you're wearing an earpiece!" Byers yelled.  
"And video camera glasses. Or sunglasses, I suppose - but just wear them!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Okay, Doggett, give me the fish." Mulder said. "Oh, and the rope."  
  
"All right, here ya go!" Doggett heaved over the dead fish, along with  
the rope. "Good thing we're wearin' these masks."  
  
"You said it."  
  
"Yeah, I did."  
  
"Yep, you definately said it."  
  
"Will you guys shut up?" Scully hit them both. "You're disturbing my  
toast."  
  
Mulder started to lower the fish towards Reyes' bed. He lowered it slowly.  
He did not lower it quickly. He lowered it anti-fastly. He wasn't using his  
Oxford dictionary/thesaurus during this slow process.  
  
Finally, the fish was sufficiently lowered, so they dropped the rope and  
closed the vent. Their job was done, so they left for the van.  
  
Reyes' nose twitched, and she woke up. When she saw the fish, she got  
her knife and fork out, but the stench got to her first. She ran out  
of the room, right into a pair of handcuffs.  
  
"Team, I've got Agent Reyes." Skinner reported.  
  
Reyes rubbed her eyes as she slowly recovered from the stench. "Got me?  
What do you mean?"  
  
"That isn't something you need to know right now, Agent Reyes." Byers  
slid a needle into her arm, giving her a sedative, at Skinner's words.  
  
* * *  
  
"Good work, Walter." The magic IMF guy said. "You've captured Agent  
Monica Reyes, and in quick time, too. We'll have more missions for you  
soon."  
  
"Excellent," Skinner replied. "Because when there are people out there  
like Agent Reyes, the world needs my team. And-"  
  
"Yeah, whatever, just go on vacation."  
  
End.  
  
Copyright(C)2001 Steve Gower 


End file.
